A few months ago, my life was full of men . I was juggling all of them like a circus clown, andI was the only one looking for love.
But, I wasn’t actually with any of them because they were all unavailable in some way: One was geographically unavailable, one was intimately unavailable, and one was so emotionally unavailable he was like one of those furiously vexing walnuts you expend eternally trying to crack open but merely can’t.Not one of these guys tip-off the scale any more than the other; three men stood in front of me, and I liked them each a solid 33.3 percent.
I love falling in love.I fall in lovewith person new every day. There are so many people in the world worthy of falling in love with, and I often wanderthe streets of New York looking at all the couples strolling hand-in-hand, hand-on-bum, arm-in-arm, wondering why they chose each other. How they chose each other.
People are beautiful since they are each havesomething unique to offer — so what made that girl’s boyfriend more special than all the other guys who ran after her?
This is whyI can never choose merely one guy to be my boyfriend.
When I neededaclean slate, I got rid of all three of those guys I liked an equal sum. Instead of resulting a life full of embarrassment and indecision, my days became man-lessandroutine, and I enjoyed them that style. Itfreed upspace in my intellect to be considered other things, likemy fitness aimsand finally booking asolo trip-up across the world.
But shoot , I’d be a liar if I didn’t admitthat now, a few months later, I’m right back where I started: at the hands of a few different guys I have feelings forbut don’t really know. Having feelings for a bunch of men sets you in a weird limbo that maintains you from developing deep feelings for anyone.
It’s easy. When you have a ton of people to choose from, well, you don’t have to choose at all. And the freedom of the media to have selection but not actually have to choose is an incomparable kind of freedom.
Thislimbo ispredictable. This limbo is comfortable. This limbo is where the world is my oyster and I can fantasize without limits.
For instance, with the guy in California who shared my love for the outdoors, I pictured sharing a big house with floor-to-ceiling windows that filtered light into the rooms and onto the furniture — maybe even a tomato garden in the backyard.
I had dreams of operating off to Ireland with my Irish almost-boyfriendand setting up shop in his lush, green hometown on the Southwesterncountryside.
And as for the last guy, well, he and I were just best friends, and I wanted to continue to grow our relationship as best friends and lovers.
See what I mean? These are colorful fictions, each painted with different brushes, one just as brilliantly as the next.
These vanish with the believed to be settling down with person or persons. I don’t want to settle down with person if I have to compromise .
My friend takes issue with that.“Adjust your attitudeonwhat it means to fall in love, ” he said. “ That’s when you’ll fall in love.”
“I can’t adjust my posture, ” I said. “So I guess I’ll never fall in love.”
The truth is, it’s hard to be in love with person or persons. Andscary. To depend on them is a huge leap of faith-theybecome asource of love, sexuality, trust, and happiness, and that’s a hell of a lot of things from one source.
The right person will have it “all, ” they say. You won’t have to compromise , they say.
But I’ll tell you right now: I’ve dated and dated, and I’ve yet to find the guy who has everything I’m looking for.
Maybe none of those guys was the one for me. Maybe, with the right guy, I wouldn’t have to think and think until my brain ran out of juice.
Or maybe, deep down, at the very root of me, I know person out there really doesn’t have it all. And maybe love is a blizzard. Maybe I’m waiting out falling in love because it will uproot my world-as any strong blizzard does-until I eventually give in to being wrecked by it, because being alone no longer feelings exciting and powerful, merely lonely and unmanageable.
One day, I’ll have to compromise. I’m hoping that on that day, compromise won’t feel like compromise. But right now, compromise merely feels like being untrue to myself. And I refuse to be untrue to myself to be with someone else.